Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
