Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
