oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize