i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
