If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
