I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
