Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
