Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
a search helicopter?!
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
