my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
