Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
