so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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