Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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