I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
