I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
