I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
