I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
