As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
