John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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