New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So squirting runs in the family.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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