I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
