i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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