who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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