you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
