Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
