You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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