This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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