I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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