dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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