So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
