Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize