they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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