I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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