i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
