I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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