This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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