theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
