Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
