Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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