Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Apparently you make a good broom.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
