Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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