I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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