did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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