Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize