He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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