i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
