I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
