Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
