Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
