you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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