I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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