I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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