Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
