Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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