i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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