you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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