just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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