Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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