I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
