this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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