if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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