ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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