Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
