She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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