This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
