And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You made out with two different species that night
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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