Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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