This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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