my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Terrible idea I love it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
