I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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