the condom got lost in my hair
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
