Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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