She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
